In the modern world, views on marriage have become freer. The concluded union can be terminated by agreement of the parties or at the initiative of one of the spouses. In some cases, a similar outcome gives rise to a new and happier life. Sometimes a break brings deep pain and depression. What are the reasons that push people who have entered into a marriage, divorce?
Which families are at risk?
A very difficult test for a newly formed couple is the first 3 years of marriage. It is especially difficult to get used to sharing life with those who did not have the opportunity to live together during premarital relations. Statistical studies have shown that in the first years of family life, about 40% of couples diverge.
More often, the decision to divorce is made by a young couple. People under the age of 30 have not yet fully formed goals, there is a tendency to impulsiveness. Couples can decide to start a family and then divorce in a fairly short time, succumbing to emotions.
However, those who entered into a marriage after 30 are not always able to keep it. At this age, people are often divorced due to the fact that it is much more difficult for them to enter into new social roles and accept the individuality of someone with whom life is now shared. Being formed by a mature person, it is not always possible to change his negative aspects of character, habits that can bother a partner.
The arrival of a child often destroys a couple’s relationship. This happens when partners are not ready for significant changes in their lives and lifestyles.
Statistics in Russia
As for our country, the main causes of divorce, according to research, at the moment are not being ready to live together, alcoholism, adultery.
- Social immaturity, incompatibility of character, excessively early marriage. In short, lack of preparation for family life. This is the reason for more than 40% of marriage breakdowns in Russia. This problem is expressed in unpleasant life, mutual insults, humiliation, conflicts. All this in a fairly short time leads partners to the decision to break off relations.
- A very serious problem is alcoholism or other addiction of one of the spouses. Suffering from alcoholism causes great pain to loved ones. Often the behavior of such a person is inadequate and aggressive. If a person does not find the strength to cope with this situation, life with him becomes almost unbearable.
- Thirdly, among the reasons for divorce is cheating on one of the spouses.
The main reasons
The main reason leading to the disintegration of the couple is the divergence of characters and interests. Especially often this problem is formed in quick marriages. Although they did not know each other very well, but succumbing to feelings and impressions, the partners rushed to the registry office. And starting a joint life, they inevitably began to be disappointed in each other.
Very different attitudes, moral values, and beliefs seriously alienate people from each other. The lack of common interests makes it impossible to enjoy leisure time together, or it is spent separately: the wife is in the theater, the husband is in football. Either one of the spouses always sacrifices his desires and inclinations.
Differences in character lead to serious disagreements in everyday matters. And the most common causes of family quarrels and scandals are related to maintaining a common life and economy. Also, discordant life positions will inevitably confront spouses with their heads in terms of raising children.
Marriage can break up due to the fact that the partners are very different in age. With a significant difference in years and experience, hope for mutual understanding and the presence of common interests in a couple is almost impossible. A younger partner is still full of energy and wants an interesting and rich life. An older man strives for peace and constancy of life.
A career husband or wife can stand in the way of marriage. This reason for divorce is very common in Europe and the United States. In our country, working conditions are such that a woman often does not have personal time. In such circumstances, there is no need to talk about responsible and serious child rearing. Therefore, at the risk of losing a good position, a woman often hesitates to give her husband / wife children, which, in turn, can significantly cool feelings and push the man to break up.
Reluctance of one of the spouses to have a child can be identified for a separate reason. This may not be related to a career or financial position. Often, young people are in no hurry to have children, as they consider it a burden on the family.
A much more tragic reason for divorce is the chronic infertility of one of the partners. But not only the absence of children in the family, but their appearance can destroy a marriage in some cases.
Men often react painfully to the appearance of a child. Especially if the child was not planned. Many husbands are completely unprepared for the role of father. Or they are upset that they copy too much attention from their spouse. A sufficiently large number of families disintegrate with the appearance of the first child.
Divorcing a couple can lead to financial problems. In this regard, the situation may have several options.
- The husband does not earn enough and the family is in a precarious financial situation. In this case, the wife cannot find a decent job or is on maternity leave.
- The husband has a high income, and the wife does not work at all, but takes a lot of money for her personal expenses. Such a situation can disturb the family over time. There will be a desire to reset the parasite from his allowance.
- The wife earns much more than her husband. Although in modern society, the primacy of men is no longer so necessary, but many of the representatives of the sex strongly adhere to the old views. Considering that the family should be provided for by the head, some men cannot reconcile themselves with the financial success of their wife. This infringes on their pride and vanity.
- The husband does not work at all, and the wife has a family. Sometimes a man cannot find a job that he loves, often he closes himself in. Alcoholism or health problems can also make the search for a decent job very problematic. A woman in such a situation is forced to rely only on herself. Nurse wives often decide to divorce and support only the children.
- Inability to talk confidentially with a spouse, the accumulation of negative emotions. It happens that a wife and her husband accumulate in themselves unwashed claims and offenses for many years. But this does not guarantee “peace and quiet” in the relationship. The accumulation of negative leads to outbursts of anger and breakdowns over trifles. Then the husband, dissatisfied with each other, will shout at his wife, because of a trifle, such as a soup or a torn shirt. At the same time he will throw out all his indignation, applying insults and swearing.
- The same applies to women. Sometimes the husband cannot understand why the wife is wrapped up and finds fault with the smallest things. And in fact, there is no trust and normal communication in the family. Claims are silenced and accumulate in the form of nervous tension and mutual irritation. Thus, quarrels and scandals happen more often. Such an atmosphere in the family eventually pushes the spouses to the decision to divorce.
- Shortcomings, lies and distrust of spouses – this is a very good reason to end the relationship. Sooner or later, any deception is revealed, causing pain to the one who was deceived. In an atmosphere of mutual distrust it is very difficult to live. The wife has to constantly wonder whether the husband really stayed at work or went to his parents. The husband also begins to check the spouse for all sorts of reasons.
A variety of reasons can push a lie. But in such a close relationship as marriage, it is better to adhere to the truth, as the saying goes: “Bitter truth is better than sweet lies.”
- Psychological oppression, moral pressure, a clear desire to dominate the partner in everything. Most often, people are prone to this. Some husbands consider it normal to be rude to a wife, to say hurtful words to her for any reason. The feeling of possessiveness pushes the husband to restrict her freedom of company. Often, even contacts with old friends can be forbidden to the wife. In this case, married life becomes like a real cell. A modern woman could find the strength to run away from it.
- In the relationship between spouses, the parents of some of them can intervene. It so happens that the mother and father initially disapprove of the choice of their child. In order to prove their case and to educate “on the right path”, the parents set up their child against their chosen one or chosen one.
Most often, mothers are jealous of their sons for their daughters and wives. By their intervention, they aggravate family problems and quarrels. Such actions often lead to serious conflicts and misunderstandings within the couple, and over time, to a breakup.
- If violence is practiced in the family, such a union cannot be called happy. The behavior of the aggressor is very difficult to change through persuasion and requests. Often, people are prone to temper and physical aggression and do not control themselves. Only specialists will be able to help in this case, and only if the person himself is aware of his problem and voluntarily wants to work with it.
- Betrayal for many is an unforgivable mistake. Most do not accept the fact that the partner did this. If the betrayal is repeated several times, then it is definitely not worth considering it an accident or a passing error. Sometimes the spouse or spouse wants to take revenge on the second half, repaying the same. This aggravates the situation and, most often, inevitably leads to divorce.
- Problems in the sexual life of a couple seriously affect the relationship. Many people, unfortunately, are not ready to adequately and openly talk with a partner about intimate life. Therefore, this area of relationships with spouses often ceases to exist, and they even sleep in different beds. If sex occurs, it does not bring satisfaction.
In such a situation, you need to talk to each other about your desires, as well as tactfully address complaints to your partner. If you are not ready for such a conversation, you should seek help from a family sexologist consultant.
- Couples who have been together for many years often have a period of cooling off towards each other. It is also connected with the fact that life has long been established and that life has become a routine. Constancy is not bad, but the sheer monotony of life, observed day after day, is very bad for the general emotional state. Feeling that life is not filled with something interesting, people often have a natural desire to change it. But if the one with whom this life is connected does not support him in this, there is nothing left but to look for changes beyond the existing family.
- Tight living conditions can significantly worsen the situation in the family. Sometimes more than one generation is forced to live in a small living space (for example, spouses, children and their elderly parents). In such circumstances, it is difficult to establish a normal life. The constant presence of a large number of people, even close ones, is also very oppressive. Everyone has moments when they want to be alone with themselves, this is a natural psychological discharge. It is especially difficult in such conditions for those who are prone to introversion.
effects
It is worth saying that a divorce is not always a scandal, pain and rupture of any relationship with a former husband or wife. There are situations when spouses make decisions mutually and even remain friends. For couples and for common children, this is undoubtedly the best option. However, in most cases, the initiator of the gap is one of the spouses. Then the whole process is painfully complicated, especially for the one who remained.
In addition, each person reacts to the dissolution of his marriage very individually. Someone quickly copes with pain and resentment, begins to live fully and starts a new relationship. Someone, on the contrary, falls into a deep and prolonged depression. This condition is accompanied by nervous exhaustion, stress, often a man or woman who finds himself in such a situation turns to alcohol, thereby destroying his health.
When a divorce is very important to think about its consequences for children. Leaving the family of a mother or father for them is not an easy test. Do not think that because of their age they will understand and feel little. Sometimes children receive serious psychological trauma in such situations. It is very important that your relationship after the break is minimally reflected on them. Discuss with your spouse or spouse how you present it to the children. Try to explain what is happening, taking into account their age.
Sometimes a mother or father tries to manipulate a child to avenge a divorce. Such tactics are very selfish and unacceptable. Children become pawns in the adult game and are unlikely to be able to forgive you for their experiences.
Psychologists’ opinion on divorce
Depending on the specific situation, divorce can be both a blessing and a curse. A balanced, mutual decision to divorce is often beneficial. For former spouses, this is a chance to start a new life, to find a more suitable partner.
In any case, in a situation where cohabitation is clearly not happy and attempts to establish it have failed, divorce is really the only way out. It makes no sense to force yourself to cohabit until the end of your days with someone you do not love, who offends, hurts or constantly changes. This applies to both men and women.
The other side of divorce is related to the impulsiveness of one of the spouses. Returning to impulse and emotions, he or she announces his decision. In this case, the second partner literally collapses life. He must quickly rebuild the plans and dreams associated with the second half, to accept that it will not be as before. For many, it is very difficult.
If you are going through a breakup, first of all, don’t keep your feelings and emotions bottled up inside. Talk to a loved one you trust. Don’t stop communicating with friends, don’t close yourself off.
Although divorce is a difficult time, it is not the end of your life. One of the wise sayings is: “When one door closes in front of you, another door immediately opens somewhere.” After divorce, do not try to remain stuck in the past, but to rebuild your life, to find new activities.
If you yourself were the initiator of the divorce and your partner is taking it hard, don’t beat yourself up. You have the right to control your life. If this decision has been weighed and you are confident in it, no one should hold you back.
Whatever the reasons for this gap, the basis of any of them is the lack of understanding, the inability to communicate and accept each other, the lack of moral support and tolerance. These qualities are important in any area of life and are only necessary in marriage.
Therefore, the first steps to prevent a gap in any case are confidential conversations, support and understanding of the partner, an expression of care and sincere love for him.