Relationships in marriage sometimes develop according to a destructive scenario. And in this case, sooner or later, the person faces the issue of divorce. But the decision is not so easy – the years spent together, children, loans and general responsibilities. When deciding on a divorce, it is important to correctly make a “diagnosis”, then the question of how to decide on a divorce will not seem impossible.
Reasons for separation
Formally, marriages break up for many reasons: the husband took a mistress, the wife had a lover, the marriage became outdated and there were no more common interests, spiritual and physical intimacy, scandals became frequent. But behind each such formal reason, there are real causes, which lead to adultery, to other misguided partners. If the causes go unnoticed, if they are deliberately ignored, unresolved, if the decision is impossible, the relationship begins to develop into a destructive pattern. In it, the partners cannot be happy by definition, over time the internal conflict intensifies, the tension increases, saving the marriage becomes impossible.
Even if people continue to be together, they affect their health, and children are the first to suffer in such families.
There is only one way out of a destructive family: divorce. In order not to be confused, you need to know exactly the signs of relationship destruction. The fact that your relationship has become toxic, some characteristic signs indicate dangerous.
- Moreover, you feel like you’re losing yourself, you understand very well that you’re being manipulated, but you can’t do anything about it.
- You spend too much energy, strength and nerves on maintaining relationships – this does not give you the opportunity to fully communicate with others, to work with full dedication.
- You depend on your partner’s mood and desires emotionally and physically.
- The problems of your soul become yours, you solve them instead of your problems, to your detriment.
- You are afraid to appear in front of your current partner as you are, because you are afraid that you will be rejected for it. You are often criticized in important matters and in small things (from your job to your choice of clothing color).
- Your desires are not taken into account, they are not even interested, they are not taken into account. No respect, you are insulted, humiliated. Your needs (even natural ones) are not taken into account.
- You have no personal space (hobbies, friends, free time).
- You are subject to violence (physical, psychological, economic).
If you find at least two coincidences in this list and recognize yourself, you should simply accept the fact that family relationships are destructive without additional emotions.
It’s time to get rid of them, if it’s not possible to change something. Other factors that aggravate the situation can be considered the following:
- the marriage was hasty, the decision was not well thought out;
- large age difference between husband and wife;
- the social status of the partners is very different;
- the partners’ level of education is different;
- different goals and aspirations, visions of life;
- The partners are representatives of different nationalities, cultures and religions.
It is important to find the real reason why relationships have become destructive. The real causes include:
- lack of common goals;
- lack of emotional and sexual connection;
- alcohol, drug addiction;
- violence of any type (the tyrant is not only physical).
In the life of every family, periods of crisis can occur – in no case should they be confused with destruction. A crisis is a temporary phenomenon caused by recent circumstances, causes. In this case, both partners are usually willing to compromise and dialogue.
In a state of destruction, at least one of the partners believes that everything is going well, that it is not worth deciding anything, changing, refusing to see reality as it is.
You can distinguish a crisis from destructive pathological relationships by honestly answering a few questions.
- Do most ambiguous or controversial situations in the family result in a conflict (or even a fight)?
- Have charges and insults become the norm? Do swear words sound more often than kind words?
- Does your partner often remember another person’s mistakes, blame them, or shame them?
- Is there respect for your words, opinions, needs?
- Does your partner support your desire for personal growth?
- Is everything okay in the sexual relationship?
Women’s magazines and forums are full of advice to “save the marriage at all costs.” In the case of destructive marital relationships, maintaining the marriage is dangerous for the life, health and development of children. Divorce in most cases cannot be avoided if:
- marriage is built on the sacrifice of one of the partners (one sacrifices himself and his life, plans, interests for the well-being of the other);
- attacks, sexual abuse, harassment;
- one of the partners drinks or uses narcotic substances, refusing to acknowledge their illness and be treated;
- there is a cult of personality and tyranny in the family (one of the partners suppresses the second, deprives him of the right to speak, opinions, decisions, prohibits communication with friends and relatives, strictly controls all the affairs and financial expenses of the second party);
- the family has accumulated many abandoned, unresolved conflict situations, while there is no intimate life;
- one or both partners have no desire to work on maintaining the relationship;
- there is an unsubstantiated pathological paranoid or manic jealousy, the jealous partner refuses to be cured by a psychotherapist or psychiatrist, without recognizing the fact that his illness is;
- Parents cannot reach a common opinion on the education of their children.
In this list, as you can see, there are no changes. There are a lot of couples who, with difficulty, but surely went through it, forgave and preserved the family, the relations in it became better. If desired, such problems are mutually resolved without the need to dissolve the marriage. To help you “make a correct diagnosis”, honestly answer a more important question: “Is the cause of disagreement and misunderstanding eliminated?”. Answer not theoretically, but in relation to your circumstances (theoretically, drug addiction is curable, and alcoholics become exemplified, in practice these are isolated cases).
If the cause of the destruction cannot be dismantled here and now, do not think that it can be eliminated later.
Make a verdict and start taking action to save yourself, your life, and your child’s psyche, if there is one.
Why is it difficult to make a decision?
Divorce is not just a secondary stamp in a passport or a humiliating legal procedure regarding the division of property and children. This is, first of all, a trauma (regardless of who initiated the breakup of the marriage). Psychologists rightly compare separation with the loss of a loved one (death). Divorce is experienced as a loss, therefore it is very, very difficult to go in good faith to such experiences.
Every person has a certain amount of fear for their own future, because divorce will change their present. While the woman is married, she tries not to think about how many divorced women in search of new personal happiness remain single or meet partners who are much worse than the first. A married woman – a certain status in society, the loss of which seems shameful, shameful.
Men are more afraid of being abandoned than of initiating a divorce, because it is important for them to emerge victorious in any situation. Fear for their own self-esteem, including in the eyes of others, as well as their refusal to change their usual course of events, often prevent them from making the decision to dissolve an outdated marriage.
Divorce will require the mobilization of internal resources, changes in the lifestyle of all participants in the process, the future is not obvious, vague – this is the main deterrent. But in the case of destruction, when a divorce is the only reasonable decision to get out of a personal and family crisis, you should pay attention to the other side – the personal freedom that the solution will provide.
How to decide on divorce?
Usually we have a vicious circle: we decide to divorce – we are afraid of the consequences – we change our minds and justify our refusal of the decision (temporarily). And over the years. Sooner or later, you will have to break this circle at any time: after deciding whether a divorce is necessary, you should forbid yourself from thinking about the consequences or imagine only the positive aspects of the dissolution of the marriage. After filing the application, do not try to justify your doubts.
If you change your mind, the pathological relationship will not improve, the crisis will only get worse. It is especially difficult to decide whether you still have feelings.
Leaving them with them on your own initiative can be very painful. But here you need to figure out – is it love? Most often, people confuse dependence, fear of loneliness, shame, an obscure future, with high feelings of tenderness for a partner. If you put everything “on the shelves” and know exactly what you are afraid of losing, it may turn out that there is no love for a long time, and it is much easier to divorce the unloved. There are other situations that require a separate explanation.
With an alcoholic boy
Happiness near a drunk or hungover person who does not control his words and actions is impossible. Surely you tried to talk, influence, cure him, save him from addiction. If there is no result, you should not hope for it. Now the addict apologizes in the morning, tries to make amends, but it will take a little time and he will stop doing this if he realizes that you did it with his addiction. Then any of your protests against alcohol will cause aggression, anger, inappropriate behavior in a partner.
Don’t waste time on dishonest attempts to heal someone who doesn’t consider themselves sick.
It is better to make your own life, because being the other half of a drug or alcohol addict is to endanger your life. The sooner such relationships are broken, the less likely it is that the partner will develop the so-called codependency addiction.
Yes, an alcoholic can be very bad. But to pity someone who does not pity you and yourself is an empty exercise. The more the alcoholic is, the more reasons he has for self-pity and, therefore, for taking the next dose of alcohol. Alcoholics are able to manipulate loved ones, put pressure on sin, but do not forget that this is just manipulation. On it, healthy relationships cannot be built.
Having a child together
It is not necessary to talk and remind once again how painfully children endure the divorce of their parents. It is better to tell about how they suffer the refusal of a divorce in the case of a pathological marriage, because few people talk about it honestly. Imagine that the relationship decided to save itself for the sake of the children. Spouses live different lives, they do not have unity and common goals, they are constantly in suspense, as if they were forced to always be near each other. Their tension, sooner or later, begins to cause psychosomatic diseases in children. Children of any age feel great underestimation, tension. They cannot express it in words, they cannot live and forget, because they have to be in this situation constantly.
Gradually, the tension goes to the muscle level, the nervous system suffers. Children from such families (and this is confirmed by a pediatrician) are more likely to get sick.
Very problematic adolescents grow up from such children, and as they grow older, they get the opportunity to protest against destructive behavior. And then society receives adults who do not know how to build normal relationships with the opposite sex, do not know how to appreciate and express warm feelings, lie. Do you want such a future for the little ones? Save the destructive marriage. Do you want children to grow up happy? Get a divorce.
Give them an example of a way out of destruction, rejection of pathological relationships. Over time, they will understand everything. There is no difference, you have one child, two or three. If relationships develop in a destructive scenario, they are dangerous for the psyche and health of all children.
How does it break down painlessly?
Divorce does not happen without meaning. You have to go through several stages of grief: from complete denial of reality to anger, depression, humiliation and acceptance. But acceptance will come anyway. If you remember that these experiences and stages are natural in the case of parting, then it will be easier to survive them.
To part, if the decision is made, you need with dignity. Try to explain your decision as much as possible: to talk to your partner smoothly, calmly, convincingly, give arguments, do not insult him, do not humiliate him. The conversation is very important so that there are no unresolved conflicts. With a civil or official partner, with or without children – try to be fair. The only exceptions are cases when it is clearly understood that the partner will not accept the conversation adequately: if the alcoholic partner does not give up, completely control if the tyrant partner does not want to hear anything about your decision, if he starts to threaten, blackmail, raise his hand, better to exclude.
Write your partner a letter stating the essence of your decision and your argument.
Leave quietly, carefully, so as not to provoke an inadequate partner to aggression. You can enlist the support of relatives or friends, ask them to help you take out your things or be present during the departure – this will reduce the likelihood of physical abuse. Do not become a victim of manipulation, correctly assess the motives of your partner. Do not feel sorry for yourself and for him. It is one thing to leave someone you love and respect, and it is another to leave a person who is potentially dangerous to you and your children.
Psychological advice
As you consider this difficult decision, remember a few important rules.
- Forget about pity and partner. Decide without this feeling.
- Try any argument “on yourself” – if it is necessary for you, if it will be useful for you.
- Don’t decide for others. If you have questions – ask.
- More often imagine what advantages the solution will have